This one turned out to be a downer.

I kind of felt like I owned it at boot camp last night. I really did. I didn't quit at any point. I just pushed through and got it done and that was really nice. Until I looked at my fitbit and saw that I had not burned nearly the amount of calories I needed to burn to hit my boot-camp-day goals. Dang it. The frustration was overwhelming. I thought I had control of it.... I went home and got right on the elliptical with the intention of burning off a handful more of those calories -even if I still didn't hit my goal. Well, the more I thought about it and the more tired I got... I lost it. I cried. I wheezed. It was not pretty. And Eric? He was already in bed (at 8:15) and when I was crying he just laid there. Super supportive, that one.
I feel better about it today. I went in for the weekly weigh in this morning and I was down a few pounds. Four, to be exact, but I weighed last Thursday in the evening and this one in the morning, so it might not be a fair comparison. I was also down half an inch around my waist and half an inch around my hips. I should be proud of those things and I am. I'm also afraid I won't hit my 30 by 30 goal. I worry that I've set myself up for failure on this one.
This is kind of why I don't set goals for myself a lot of the time. Because if I miss them, the panic and the sense of failure turn me into an insane person. It goes from being "I didn't lose 30 lbs, but I did lose 20 and that's good!" to being "I've failed. I'm a failure at life. Nothing is ever going to go right again. Maybe I can eat that weight back on in the form of ice cream".
TJ, the trainer at the gym, wants me to focus on building muscle and lowering my body fat percentage. I've lost pounds, but I've also, apparently, lost muscle mass.
How the hell am I supposed to focus on gaining one and losing the other?
Anyone have any tips for me?
What are your goals - long term and short term? For me, it's still the 30 by 30 and being able to run The Color Run on my birthday without walking any of it. I think I'm going to stop worrying about that muscle mass stuff and just focus on getting the weight off. I know you need the muscle, but for now, it's all about burning up the calories.

Blogging question

Hi friends.
Does anyone know when it's 'okay' to put a blog button thing on your sidebar? I am working towards the Operation Red Bikini goal and I see that some of the fine ladies involved have a little sign on their blogs that indicate they're doing it to. I wanna join that party! Do I just do it or do I need someone's okay? Am I as bad at being a blogger as I think? Your input is needed.

Finally Friday!

What is it about having ONE day off in the week that makes it feel like you were not at work for seven days? We had Monday off in honor of MLK day and so I had to spend most of Tuesday catching up on reading all of my favorite blogs work and things and that means this here blog got ignored. That and the fact that I lead a very boring life and am once again second guessing the decision to even TRY to blog. There is so little worth sharing! So! I shall bullet point today.

• I was down two pounds on Wednesday morning and felt pretty good about that! Until I went to boot camp last night and turns out it was Weigh In Thursday and their scale showed me four pounds heavier than mine had the morning before. Also, the owner, TJ, used his fancy phone to calculate our body fat and I am shamefully fat. Shamefully. So it gave me a little more oomph in my workout but also made me want to fall into a vat of whipped cream covered stuffed french toast. Tasty.
• The in-laws head home Monday. I'm having the mixed emotions about it. I'm glad to get the girls back to their regular every day (and, okay, me too) but the good company and delicious food will be missed. I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that my mother-in-law would be happy to move back to the area. I would not object to that move. 
• To clarify, we really do love having them here. Angie is a sweetheart and Eric and Jim get along famously and have the best time doing projects together. But, I am a creature of habit. I'm someone who does best when things are just so. It's always an adjustment to have house guests and this visit has probably be the best one yet. I'm learning how to mellow on my crazy lady behavior and they're learning how we roll. It's been lovely, even if I'm ready to just have my little family in my house.
• So on Wednesday I had this great plan for the evening. One might even call it idyllic. (one would be dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.) A few weeks ago Steph had purchased some Melissa and Doug wooden mirrors for me for the little ladies. They came with these gems that you could glue on, stickers, and glitter glue. Basically, little girl crack. The night before, right at bedtime, Eva had wanted to have her hair french braided and her toes painted, so I thought, how nice for us. We'll do that, too, and it will be little girl heaven time. Yeah. No. We did the mirrors and it was glorious. They both loved it even if Audrey is too little to trust with glue of any fashion. Then, we did toes and followed it up with piggy tails for Audrey and double french braids for Eva. They even got to watch a freaking episode of Doc McStuffins. It was delightful. Until Doc ended and Eva had a high speed come apart because we wouldn't indulge her desire for another show. I'm surprised that the police did not show up at my door based on the level of screaming and flailing that took place. Sister has a voice that travels and she screams like you are stabbing her if you cross her at the wrong time. The lesson learned: Don't do nice things with your children. End of story.
• Both children cussed this week which just shows what a stellar parent I am. Eva said crap and Audrey (you'll remember her as the child who doesn't speak) said shit. I really win at this job. 

There is no point to this

Today is not a goal reaching day. It's just not.
My goal is to move. To burn calories. To make my heart race and my blood pound through my veins.
I'm a receptionist. I get paid to sit on my ass and smile.
Most days, I have a friendly little person who comes in and sits by me and lets me run off and galavant around the building so I can sort of meet those goals. She's off today so my job is to NOT GET UP. It's a little frustrating. I won't get in my ellipitical time tonight because we're taking my in-laws out for dinner for their anniversary, and if the last four weeks have been any indication everyone will be ready WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR and I will not even have a moment to, ahem, use the facilities. And we're hitting up The Pasta House and I promise I will not eat an entire dinner sized order of fettuccine alfredo and nor will I eat more than two one of those delightful tiny loaves of bread. I will be a grown up and show restraint and also order the spaghetti with that light tomato sauce. I can't think of the name. Life is no fun.

So, last night, randomly, Eva pokes me in the bottom lip. "Mommy," she says, "why is your lip pink, but this one" here she pokes my top lip "....looks like this...." I don't know what 'looks like this' is. I was fairly certain my lips were uniform in color until last night. This is the same child who, while I was pretending I liked to run, repeatedly asked her daddy "Why is Mommy SO SLOWWW". Girlfriend has a way of knocking you down a peg.

I'm getting itchy again about Audrey's speech. Or, rather, lack thereof. Most words sound exactly the same if she bothers to say words at all. Most words, that is, except for "shoes". She has a serious fetish. She can't say Eva's name but she has been able to pronounce shoes clearly for many months.
It might be time to bring in a speech therapist. I'm really considering calling and having her screened. I hope it's nothing. I hope she's lazy and quiet. But, I'd rather know now if she's going to be speech delayed.
Does anyone know anything about this stuff? Am I crazy? 20 months old with maybe ten words and various animal sounds doesn't seem like enough....

trivial things

Weighed in yesterday and today. Yesterday I was down two pounds. Today I was only down 1.5 from my starting weight.
Might have something to do with the chimichanga I had for breakfast. Or the BLT I had for lunch. Or the lasagna I had for dinner.
Whatever.
Last night was not a stellar night in Casa Bennett. There was fighting. There was NO SLEEP. There was silently thinking I should probably smother my husband me being quietly bitter.
I don't like fighting with Eric and I specifically don't like doing it in front of his parents and that happened last night. I'm not going to go into the whole situation here, but we bickered, quietly, and then I felt exceedingly uncomfortable. Having house guests means feeling like you have to be always 'on' if you're me and 'on' does not include heated arguments. But, when the guests are staying for 6 weeks, I think there is bound to be at least one of those moments. Still, there was no resolution and I went to bed with a chip on my shoulder. I'm trying not to hold onto that chip - That's a lie. I love my chip right now, but I will try to get over it by the time I get home tonight. Because I'm a grown up, as much as I hate that fact right now.
Eva got up at least five times last night. She could not rest, for some reason, and I am at my wits end with that whole business. I needs me some sleep. Straight through the night sleep. Eight hours, uninterrupted would be great, but I'd settle for seven. Really. I don't know what to do with her. She wakes up and she does not settle down and try to fall back asleep. She immediately calls out for us. She wants to come to my bed (at ten thirty). She wants to go downstairs and play (at somewhere after midnight). She wants to go potty (thirty seconds after I left her room after she wanted to go downstairs). She wants to come to my bed AGAIN (somewhere around three when I'm at my weakest) and I finally let her. Eric also got up with her once or twice, but I can't remember those times. Anyone? Anyone have any advice on this? Home girl is three, going on four. Her bedtime falls between seven-thirty and eight. We read a story. Rock. Sing a few songs. Lights out. EVERY NIGHT she is up at least once. Sometimes there is fighting before I even get out of her room. Someone tell me how to get this kid to give me a break. I beg of you.
I have been running the stairs at work barefoot today. Just two flights. I think anything more than that might be conspicuous. Someone might find the shoes.

I have a new goal. I'm going to run a 5K. For real this time, though. The Color Run is in St. Louis on my actual birthday - my 30th. I think that's as good a time as any to get my ass in gear. Who's with me?

Weight and other items of interest to no one but me.

I lied. I said I would probably be weighing in on Fridays, but that is a damn lie.
I am weighing on Wednesday. Because my facebook challenge told me to. And I am down half a dang pound. That is not impressive. That is not good. And I have been a failure at my challenges to myself for the most part. I DID plank and do wall sits yesterday and I will today, but prior to that was a big fat zero. I lose.

My in-laws are still visiting. It's been a fairly delightful visit so that's very nice. Last night, I was doing my planks and my mother-in-law, Angie, wanted to know what the heck a plank was. So, I showed her. And she proceeded to whoop my ass at planks. Thanks Angie. The woman has never done a plank in her life and she held for a full minute the SECOND time. The first time Eric didn't time her throughout, but I guessed it to be about forty-five seconds. For the love. Really. I did fifty seconds and wanted to die. Planking is boring, yo. I seriously despise it. But, I really would like to be able to do a two minute plank at some point because right now, Eric is showing me up in that department. Anyway. After Angie schooled me in planking, I showed her some other basic yoga moves that I like and the little ladies decided to get in on that. They were kind of rock stars at mountain pose. Startin' 'em young.

I said "other items" and that included an 's' so I feel like I need to come up with something else to discuss with you, but this is pretty much my life for the time being. Tonight I am going out for drinks with my friend Sheena. I'm so cosmopolitan! Drinks on a Wednesday!

Tell me something good.

Weekly Weigh In

No, I am not sharing my weight with you people, whoever you may be. I'm not that brave and I'm also not that much of a fan of hating myself publicly. What I will do is tell you that my weight is up AGAIN. UP. I am now almost at the weight I was after I gave birth to Audrey 19 months ago.
19 months.
Holy crap.
I have got to get it together, yo.
Confession: I have not worked out since the New Year. And, to be honest, I have not worked out in a shameful amount of time before that, either. Shameful. Instead I have been spending my lunch hours eating like crap and effing around on the internets. I'm not excited about the work that it takes to lose weight. I'm excited about the prospect of not being fat - obese, even -but I'm not excited about the journey. I'm hoping that Operation Red Bikini and the new challenge I'm joining via the Mama Laughlin Fit Camp on facebook. (I'd link, but I can't access facebook right now, so just google that business if you're interested)(or go to this link and see what it's all about! FitnessUnscripted.) The challenge will run the course of The Biggest Loser's television season and will even overshoot my birthday goal of thirty pounds.
So, I need to be clear here with my goals. I will report my weight issues once a week, probably on Friday. I won't be giving my actual weight because that's insanity and terrifying to me. But, I will tell you how much I'm up and how much I'm down. And, I'll be keeping a rundown of my work outs. Sorry if that stuff is boring, but it's what I've gotta do. I need some accountability now and I need ya'll to hold me to my goals. The plan is to get up Monday-Friday at 4:25 when Eric leaves and get my ass on the elliptical. Just thirty minutes, probably, but still. It's a start. And I'm going to do what I can in those thirty minutes. It'll be pathetic to start, but that's just the start. I'm hoping to work out somewhere, somehow at lunch every day as well. Or, I'll even say just four days a week. AND, finally, I'm challenging myself to a Plank-A-Day, Yoga-A-Day, and a Wall-Sit-A-Day as challenged by FatChick2FitChick. Yeah, it's a lot, but each of those things will only take a minute of my time to start with and can really help get my focus going. I hope.
Who's with me on any of this? Anyone? Anyone? Is this thing on? Steph, you better be reading this, since you're the reason I'm trying to write it again!

A little self-indulgence

I love reading about the people who's blogs I read. I recognize that I have like four readers and that two of you know me in person already, but I'm going to indulge myself and pretend like there are people out there wondering about me and my life. Makes me feel like a real blogger.

A. Age: 29. I turn 30 in April and I am not even really panicking about it at all. 
B. Bed size: Queen. I'd be fine with a full, to be honest. I'm one of THOSE people. I like to be all up in Eric's business when we sleep. I chase him off the bed, pretty much. 
C. Chore you hate: Folding the girls' clothes. So many tiny socks. Ugh.
D. Dogs: We had one, once. For about a month. It ate everything. My clothes. Shoes. Door frames. My wedding bouquet. He's gone now. I'm only mildly disappointed. The truth is, we didn't have the time and it wasn't fair to him to be alone so many hours of the day and not get the exercise he needed. Poor puppy. 
E. Essential start to your day: I don't really have any thing essential outside of the ordinary. 
F. Favorite color: Today? A green with just a hint of blue. I bought a cardigan at Target in this color and am loving it.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver. 
H. Height: 5'7"
I. Instruments you play: I played the flute in grade school. I was... not good at it.
J. Job Title: Receptionist. 
K. Kids: 2 little ladies. Eva is 3, will turn four already in July and THAT makes me panicky. Audrey will be 2 in May. 
L. Live: On the East Side. I'm from a little town in Illinois, east of St. Louis but still in the Metro area, I guess. 
M. Married: April 19, 2008.
N. Nicknames: I don't have any.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just with the ladies. Two nights with Eva and one with Audrey. But, then there were four more with Audrey, but I wasn't admitted. I just refused to leave her. 
P. Pet peeve: Poor grammar. Bad manners. People who scuffle their feet. Mullets. Leggings as pants under inappropriate tops. Tardiness. I could go on and on. I'm crabby. 
Q. Quote: I don't really have a favorite that I can think of right now. And I'm not feeling clever enough to come up with something original.
R. Righty or Lefty:  Righty.
S. Siblings: 2 sisters. Both are older and both are pretty damn delightful. 
T. Time you wake up:  Prior to this year? 5:10 a.m. but the new goal (which, I recognize I'm a few days late on) will be 4:30 or so for some friendly time with my elliptical or a video of some variety.
U. University attended:  Pfft. College is for kids who don't have a deadbeat boyfriend to support, right? I dropped out of SWIC (a local college) after about a semester because my boyfriend was a piece and I felt a lot of pressure to work so I could support both of us. Yay for great life choices.
V. Vegetables you dislike: Green beans. Peas. Brussel sprouts (though I've had them cooked right ONCE and loved them.)
W. What makes you run late: I'm rarely late. It makes me twitchy. But, on occasion, something will happen with the girlies and that will put me behind a bit.
X. X-rays you've had: Ultrasounds. Teeth. Um. My back when they were worried I had some kind of autoimmune thing. My leg when I was in a car accident while in high school. I think that's it? 
Y. Yummy food: Almost all food is yummy. This is why I need to lose about fifty pounds.
Z. Zoo animal favorite: OH! I love the zoo. St. Louis has probably the best zoo in the country, I think. I went to the San Diego zoo and I was not that impressed. They have Pandas, which are my favorite, so they win in that category, but... Man. So, Pandas. And Red Pandas. I love me some Red Pandas. 

Resolute

Last year, I didn't make any resolutions. I'm consistently a failure at them and so I opted out. This year, I'm opting back in. I'm a failure because I don't hold myself accountable and because I'm lazy and one of my resolutions this year is to be decidedly UN-Lazy and to be Accountable. Brace yourselves, because I have a feeling I'm about to get wordy with this one....
There is no reason, at the age of 29, I should be indulging in cookies for breakfast or having more than one dessert in a day, just because I want to. I need to get control of myself and make some better freaking decisions. My schedule does not really allow for much down time for working out. That's a fact. It's the way my life is right now. So I will have to MAKE time. I will have to get my happy behind out of bed at four thirty instead of five ten and get on the dreaded elliptical. I will have to work out WITH my children present and deal with them climbing all the hell over me. I will have to actually work out over lunch instead of sitting here at my desk screwing around. It is time.
Another resolution is to master my new camera. That bad boy cost my parents a pretty penny (yes, my parents still get ups all Christmas gifts. This year, they went big for Eric and I and we got the camera) and I'm not going to have it go to waste by taking pictures only in automatic. That's for pansies. (Note that I've now owned a fabulous camera for over a week and I still haven't even downloaded the software so I can put the pictures on this here blog. Because of the Lazy. See? it's full circle.) I don't have any delusions that I'm ever going to be a fabulous photographer or that anyone will pay me to take their pictures, but I'd like to post pictures that other people will not scoff at and maybe take FREE pictures for some family friends who don't have the money to pay someone to do it for them.
Joy. That's the word of the year for me. I'm going to seek it and I'm going to create it. I'm not going to sit back, anymore, and wallow in my feel-sorry-for-myself. And I'm GOOD at wallowing. I am. But, hell, even I'm tired of me being that way. So, it's time to put on some sassy pants and grow the eff up. I'm not going to let other people's drama eat away at me anymore. I'm going to work on recognizing that the only person I can control is ME (well, and the little ladies because at 3 and 18 months they don't get to have a whole lot of decision making) and I'm going to focus on that. I spend a lot of my time being bogged down. I'm not a happy person by nature. I find a lot of joy in the little things, but I also find a lot of sorrow if I let myself. And, as I've stated, I'm an excellent wallower. It's a skill. I'm hoping to find little ways, every day, to bring joy into my life, but not just for me. I want to GIVE joy, as well. We'll see how this goes, but I started yesterday. Found a little something that made me think of my best friend at the store and bought it. It's nothing much but I know it will bring a smile to her face and I love that I will be giving her a little piece of joy without even having to work hard at it.
Another thing I love is what Megan at Honey We're Home did. Instead of creating a list of regular resolutions, she created a More and Less list. It's a wonderful idea, I think, so I'm going to ALSO steal that concept and jot down a few of those things myself:

Less Worry~More Faith
Less Quantity~More Quality
Less External~More Internal
Less Down~More Up
Less Television~More Movement
Less "Not now, girls"~More "Let's play!"
Less Processed~More Fresh

With that, I'm going to shut up for a bit. Hopefully I will spend some of my time today learning about that camera and thinking of little happy things I can do and not eating terrible things. Wish me luck.
What are your goals this year? Do you do resolutions, have a 'word for the year' or are you looking to change your life in some other way?