This one turned out to be a downer.

I kind of felt like I owned it at boot camp last night. I really did. I didn't quit at any point. I just pushed through and got it done and that was really nice. Until I looked at my fitbit and saw that I had not burned nearly the amount of calories I needed to burn to hit my boot-camp-day goals. Dang it. The frustration was overwhelming. I thought I had control of it.... I went home and got right on the elliptical with the intention of burning off a handful more of those calories -even if I still didn't hit my goal. Well, the more I thought about it and the more tired I got... I lost it. I cried. I wheezed. It was not pretty. And Eric? He was already in bed (at 8:15) and when I was crying he just laid there. Super supportive, that one.
I feel better about it today. I went in for the weekly weigh in this morning and I was down a few pounds. Four, to be exact, but I weighed last Thursday in the evening and this one in the morning, so it might not be a fair comparison. I was also down half an inch around my waist and half an inch around my hips. I should be proud of those things and I am. I'm also afraid I won't hit my 30 by 30 goal. I worry that I've set myself up for failure on this one.
This is kind of why I don't set goals for myself a lot of the time. Because if I miss them, the panic and the sense of failure turn me into an insane person. It goes from being "I didn't lose 30 lbs, but I did lose 20 and that's good!" to being "I've failed. I'm a failure at life. Nothing is ever going to go right again. Maybe I can eat that weight back on in the form of ice cream".
TJ, the trainer at the gym, wants me to focus on building muscle and lowering my body fat percentage. I've lost pounds, but I've also, apparently, lost muscle mass.
How the hell am I supposed to focus on gaining one and losing the other?
Anyone have any tips for me?
What are your goals - long term and short term? For me, it's still the 30 by 30 and being able to run The Color Run on my birthday without walking any of it. I think I'm going to stop worrying about that muscle mass stuff and just focus on getting the weight off. I know you need the muscle, but for now, it's all about burning up the calories.